(Donna Webb, The Bear Hug Waltz)
At 93 years old, mom is fragile and strong, smart and
sometimes ‘fuzzy’. She has a great sense
of humor and a twinkle in her blue eyes.
If she gets mad, she could give you such a whop, if she wanted to …which
she doesn’t.
We had been looking after mom for quite a few years. Living next door made that pretty easy. Each year we have had to take on more and
more of her responsibilities, laundry, shopping, paying bills and eventually
food preparation.
She continued doing some simple cooking, fixed microwave
meals and of course had to have a dish of frozen yogurt before bed! That was her daily ‘fix’! I started having meals on wheels delivered to
her when the cooking became something that she really should not be doing any
longer. It was becoming dangerous for
her. The meal that came she could just
pop in the microwave, she could handle that ok….. for awhile.
She was still able to toilet herself. She had a port-a-potty in her bedroom to use,
or when she was in the front room she could use the regular bathroom.
But bathing was being eliminated more and more, so I needed
to step in and assist with that, as well as doing her hair and nails. No problem, as I said, we just lived next
door. You do what you need to do.
On November17, 2005, our home burned, we moved in with mom
that day.
So, now what?
Thank God we had a place to go. We slept in the front room on the
hide-a-bed. Since we were living here
now, we could tend to mom much more effectively. She was still able to look after herself
during the day while we were at work.
But that would soon be coming to a halt.
Mom had been living alone for many years and as a result had
established very bad habits and routines, or I should say lack of
routines. As she got older her once very
routine day turned into a do whatever, whenever or not at all day! That included sleeping, eating, bathing and
so on. She would get up at all hours of
the night, sometimes getting dressed and having breakfast at midnight !
Well, needless to say we lost a lot of sleep for awhile until we could
get her into a good routine, for all of our sakes! I got her on a schedule of when to get up,
eat, take a nap and go to bed. She still
will frequently rebel against the schedule or routine, “I will go to bed when I
want to!” Having a routine was
absolutely necessary for our sanity and even though she doesn’t realize it, so
very beneficial for her.
Now we make sure she gets a good breakfast, at breakfast
time! She gets her correct meds when she
should have them, and make sure she drinks enough liquids, which she always
fell short of her whole life. Water
consumption is critical for everyone, but certainly for the elderly. She usually takes 2 to 3 hours to eat her
breakfast so most of the time she doesn’t eat lunch, maybe just a light
one. Then I fix the three of us supper,
which is often a challenge. Getting
accustomed to her kitchen took me awhile.
I lost my creative cooking ability for awhile, but of course, I still
had to cook. Cooking for mom has been
the real challenge as she cannot chew many foods, she can’t smell or taste
either.
So, I have the task everyday to find and prepare foods that she
can eat, that are colorful, have the right texture, good for her, and then make
up weekly menus using those foods. It
has been a chore.
Since I was living here, it was easier to help mom with her
personal care needs, like bathing. I’d
run the water, put her special seat in the tub for her, and whatever assistance
she might need. Then I would let her get
herself washed up, dried off and dressed for bed. One particular bath night, I had to wake up
to the realization that she could not take baths this way anymore. It was getting difficult for her, and she was
washing maybe two body parts! So, the
next bath night, I had her sit on the end of the seat and do a sponge bath
using the sink. I was still trying to
allow her some independence and privacy.
Truth is, if water never touched her body again, she would be just fine
with that! It was all to much work for
her.
The reality of it all was, I was postponing or ignoring the
inevitable fact….I needed to giver her her baths, start to finish. I had been doing her hair at the kitchen
sink, that worked ok, but it to would have to change. But this bath thing, I knew she was barely
washing at all, but what do I do? I knew
what I had to do, I just had a hard time coming to grips with it…moving into
the full time role of caregiver. If I
don’t do it, who will?
Realizing and acknowledging was the first step in removing
my “daughter’s coat” and putting on my “caregiver’s coat”. When I finally made the decision to take over
mom’s bath time completely, the coat was on all the way. It is a mental shifting of gears, a pocketing
of emotions that only those who have had to do it can understand. It is likened to a death and burial. A changing of the guard. The daughter is now the nurse…dietician…rule
maker…comforter…prison guard or warden...companion…all-around caregiver…mom’s
mom.
Where did the daughter go to? Well, she is beginning to find herself
again. It has taken almost a year, but
it is happening little by little. Being
able to share with others helps me to be somebody, to have an identity. My world became very isolated and
lonely. That too is changing.
On Easter of 2006, mom fell and broke her ankle. That same week she passed out from a
TIA. That’s a little clot that makes a
nuisance of itself then disappears – my medical terminology. Thus bringing more trials to a already
difficult situation.
Going from the broken ankle to the passing out, mom spent
several days in the hospital going through a battery of tests, all which showed
nothing. They gave her different meds to
thin her blood and slow her heart rate down, and also changed her blood
pressure meds. All of which put her in a
stupor like I have never seen before. I
actually thought she was dying. Being in
a strange place, not having someone around her all the time, not being handled
in a way that made her feel secure, combined with the effects of the meds, I
really thought I was losing her.
The day I was to bring her home, I took charge, got her
dressed gave her instructions as to how to move and gave her the security that
she had not gotten while there. She
responded so well with understanding and strength, I was just a hollering! I had my mom back! I couldn’t wait to get her home and give her
the care I knew she needed.
So, we learned how to function in a cast from her knee
down. The first time I moved her, I
thought she had gained 50 pounds! But I
quickly got used to the added weight. She coped very well with it. When she was in bed she would just flip that
leg back and forth like nothing… there was no pain that’s why.
See, it had actually been over two weeks before they
actually discovered her ankle was broken!
That was after being in the emergency room, having x-rays and so
forth! A therapist had come to work with
mom and she was concerned that mom’s foot still hurt so much. She really felt there was a fracture. She got after one of the Drs., and we got an
appointment for her. New Drs., and new x-rays,
and the fracture was found! So, mom was
going through all those days in pain, we were told it was a sprain! When she stayed in the hospital, they only
wrapped her foot in an ace bandage, and never once x-rayed it in the five days
she was there!
She was in a cast for about a month, and then a month of
getting used to putting her weight on her foot and ankle. At the end of that month I stood her up and
asked her to put some weight on her foot, asked her how it felt. She said it felt like she wanted to
walk! I said let’s go out to the front
room! She walked through the whole
house, as strong as can be! I told her
she was off and running. She said, well
I’m off, but I’m not running anywhere!
There is no summing up of this chapter or others to
follow. It is a job that continues 36
hours a day, day after day, month after month, however long you must wear that
coat. If it wasn’t for my husband, I
couldn’t even do this, he is the only helper I have. We do have “mommie” sitters that we hire from
time to time so we can actually go somewhere together! It is his love and commitment to my mom that
allows him to put on his “caregiver’s coat” when he is needed.
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